I've found something to be true in me at times, and the more I talk with others, equally true in them as well. It's this idea that my busyness is something to brag about, as if it were a badge of honor to be worn so others can see how important, productive and crucial I am to the world around me. "How have things been going?", I'm often asked. "Man, it's been crazy busy lately.", I often reply. Not only do I, and perhaps even you, sometimes tout our busyness around like a trophy, we also use it as a scapegoat. It's not me, we say, it's my busyness...
The weight of foster care has the potential to either break your marriage or bond you like never before. You are not just bringing children from hard places into your home, you also bringing them into your marriage. The goal, of course, is for you to be closer, more connected and experiencing greater depths of intimacy because of it – but these things do not just happen, they must be intentionally cultivated and fought for. One of the most difficult seasons of our marriage was the early days of beginning our foster care journey.
You don't have to be perfect parents to be perfect foster parents. Inherent in the role is the pressure to be amazing because you are doing something amazing - an expectation no human can live up to, nor should ever have to. Foster parents are not saints or heroes or spiritual rock stars. We are humans. Real moms and dads that struggle, stumble and mess up. We get annoyed, frustrated and exhausted. We don't have all the answers and don't even know the right questions to ask most of the time.
When it comes to writing, some people say "stay in your lane" - specialize on a few topics; do a few things well. Others say diversify - write a lot on a variety of topics; keep things fresh and different. With over 90% of my blog posts in 2014 being foster care, adoption and orphan care related, I've chosen to stay in my lane this year. I am by no means an expert on these topics and am in no way "specialized". I have found, however, there are conversations to be had regarding how the Gospel informs our care of the marginalized, neglected and orphaned and how we, the Church, can most effectively steward the mandate of God to intercede on their behalf.
I'll never forget the day it all changed for me. My greatest fear, like so many others who are considering venturing down the beautiful yet tumultuous path of foster care, was not whether or not I could love a child that was not my own but whether or not I could handle letting a child go that I have grown to love as my own. I couldn't get beyond this concern, and couldn't move forward because of it. I shared my fear with a friend who was a foster dad at the time, and his response both challenged and settled me. It revealed to me that my concerns were backwards, centered on me and how I might feel rather than on the child and how they do feel.
We are in the middle of building a home right now. The process has been fun, especially since our girls are for the most part old enough to enjoy it with us. They get excited about their new rooms, their new neighborhood and their new friends next door and down the street. It's also brought up several interesting conversations with them - most notably ones about how many more sisters they want in our family and where their rooms are going to be in the new house. On some level they understand something just as much as my wife and I do - this house is not just for us.
We settled into our seats in the food court at the mall when out of the corner of my eye I noticed it happening again. Her eyes bounced back and forth from my 2 year old daughter to me then back to my daughter then back to me, each time causing her brow to wrinkle in greater curiosity and her mind to visibly race with more questions. I'd seen it happen a hundred times and knew exactly what was thinking - Is that her dad? Is she his daughter? He's white. She's, well, not really. He's very bald. Her afro is cute and crazy out of control.
Foster care is a Church problem, not a state child welfare problem. It is a Gospel issue first, not a government issue. The Church has both the duty and privilege to speak on behalf of and stand for the sake of those who cannot speak and stand for themselves because that isexactly what God has done for us through Jesus. That's the Gospel. Kids in foster care are not the government's kids, they are God's kids and therefore the Church's responsibility. In response, many families choose to submit to the laborious and often painstaking process of becoming licensed foster homes...
Foster care can be cold and sterile. Like courtrooms. Medicaid office. Hospital waiting rooms. This is not to say foster care is boring and monotonous - it's anything but that. It is to say, however, that the places foster care takes you and the demands it requires of you can sometimes feel more legal than relational and more painstaking than life changing. The humanity of foster care is often lost in the beuaracrcy of foster care. In the midst of training hours, paperwork, court hearings and medicare appointments the fact that we are dealing with...
There is an unprecedented amount of talk about orphan care going in the Church right now - and I love it. Perhaps in generations to come, ours will be looked back upon with great affection and admiration for how we, the Church of today, rose up to care for kids and families in historic and eternal ways. Yet, while I celebrate and actively participate in many of the discussions taking place regarding God's heart for the orphan and our mandate to care for them...
It was never God's intent for children to be without a family. It was also never His intent for the government to be the solution to a problem that only the Church could solve. In large part, the responsibility to care for vulnerable kids and struggling families has been inappropriately placed on the backs of politicians and government employees with the expectation that they do something they were never really intended to do in the first place.
I'll never forget the first time we found our girls playing "orphanage". It was our oldest's idea, eight years old at the time, and her two younger sisters followed suit. They had gathered every doll, blanket, book and toy paraphernalia they could find including bottles, bibs, high chairs and food. They spent their time feeding, rocking, reading books to and even singing lullabies for these "babies".
It probably comes as no surprise to anyone reading this post that foster care is hard. No one ever said become foster parents, it's super convenient and easy. Rather, the call to foster care is one which embraces the inherent inconveniences and inevitable difficulties as worth it for the sake of redeeming that which is broken and offering light into that which can be very, very dark.
While orphan care undoubtedly involves changing the life of a child, it inevitably brings about significant and profound change in our own lives as well. For whatever change we may bring about for them, they will no doubt change us in ways we never knew possible.
I'm often asked questions like these: What is the best way to motivate people to get involved with orphan care? How do we recruit more foster families? Are there things we can do to get our church more involved? All good questions that are hard to answer - or maybe not. At the expense of sounding overly simplistic or theologically unrealistic, I can't help but believe the answer to these questions, and the many others like them, is not necessarily what we often assume it to be.
If we're not careful, our care of vulnerable kids and families can become shrouded in an evangelical hero complex that makes it more about us than it is about them. In the end, our good works can be promoted on the backs of the vulnerable to the detriment of making Jesus known as the true Hero in all of this.
While I am incredibly grateful to see a movement towards orphan care well up within the evangelical church in unprecedented ways, I am equally concerned that the rate of growth in zeal may at some point outpace the depth of wisdom we have in how to most appropriately respond to the crisis before us. In the end, if our passion for orphans exceeds our understanding of how to truly serve them, we will do more harm in the cause than we will good.
The weather in my city has been beautiful this week - mid 70's and sunny. The professional basketball team has been on a role, ranking among the highest in their division. The President of the United States even spent the night in one of our downtown hotels on Wednesday. It seems our city has had a pretty good week.
It was never God's intent for children to be left without a family. This is why Scripture says He assumes the role of "father of the fatherless" (Psalm 68:5) and “sets the lonely in families" (Psalm 68:6). This is the heart of God - a good, loving and gracious Father.
It was a Wednesday. We received a call from our foster care agency at 3:30 in the afternoon - a newborn baby girl had been taken into custody by Child Protective Services at the hospital and was in need of placement. "Are you interested?", they asked. Of course we are.
